<h1 style="text-align: center;">The Perils of Past Relationships</h1>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em><strong><sup><img src="https://media.istockphoto.com/id/1252838302/photo/young-woman-looking-at-her-boyfriend-in-disbelief.jpg?s=612x612&w=0&k=20&c=xQ-8ck89yaC3UsQP2GCNJ3Ry8YXCEVAeXxSs4L8LKNo=" alt="" width="800" /></sup></strong></em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em><strong><sup>Lessons from a Cynical Date</sup></strong></em></p>
<p><em>***Flashback to fall 2006</em> <em>as a younger champ is out a second date with an extremely attractive philly who also shared his affinity for “the wire” and Angela Nissel. Basically, a potential all-star</em>***</p>
<p><strong>The champ</strong>: “…and so anyway, thats when we started calling her “bucket face”. i never looked at feathers or windex the same way again. enough about me, though. whats on your mind and sh*t”</p>
<p><strong>Flighty philly, after a prolonged sigh:</strong> “please don’t tell me you’re one of <em>those guys</em>, are you?”</p>
<p><strong>A perplexed champ</strong>: “huh”</p>
<p><strong>Philly:</strong> “i mean, you seem great in all, but i’m a cynic. without fail, every guy i’ve ever had feelings for has cheated on me. Every. Single. One. They all seemed nice in the beginning, but then again, so did Nicolae Carpathia.”</p>
<p><em>***btw, i’m not making this up. she actually used the perfect carpathia analogy in real-time conversation. when you combine this with her close-to dimeness, it was very hard for me to make the decision i eventually made. i cried for three days afterwards***</em></p>
<p><strong>The champ, creating a sentence that signifies his potential hurt at the lost potential while doing his damnedest to give her one last try</strong>: “Seriously?”</p>
<p><strong>Philly: </strong>“seriously”</p>
<p>“Ok”, <strong>the champ responds, while subtlely erasing her number from his cell phone and transferring his thoughts to cream of wheat and lightly buttered toast.</strong></p>
<p>Ok. I can imagine the questions going through everyone’s heads: how the hell did the champ become so magnificent, and what do i need to do to get there??? What was the big deal? What caused you to go from “<em>damn she’s bad as hell</em>” to “<em>virtual restraining order</em>” in less than 15 seconds?</p>
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<p>If you’re thinking it was about her moving too fast (<em>ie: her using the second date to ask whether or not i’d chea</em>t)…you’re wrong. I have a tendency to attract and be attracted to “<em>relationship-ey</em>” women, so this early line of questioning wasn’t a surprise. In fact, from what i knew about her, i expected it.</p>
<p>Its not even about her admitting to being a cynic, questioning my greatness (<em>blasphemy!!!!</em>) and motives. Initial cynicism is nothing but a bit of self-preservation, and i’d Actually be turned-off by a woman completely devoid of that quality.</p>
<p>No, my early escape that evening and subsequent mental sprint from even entertaining the idea of a third date had everything to do with this line:</p>
<p><strong><em>“Without fail, every guy who’s ever been with me has cheated on me. Every. Single. One”</em></strong></p>
<p>Whats the big deal, you ask? whats so wrong with dating a woman who hasnt had the best history with men?</p>
<p>Well, if you assume that she’s telling the truth (which i did), four things immediately came to mind:</p>
<h2><strong>She’s a terrible judge of character.</strong></h2>
<p>If it happens once, that sucks.</p>
<p>Twice? damn.</p>
<p><em>Three times?</em> you must have bad luck.</p>
<p><em>With every person you’ve ever been with?</em> the “coincedence window” closes somewhere between three and four. At this point, its safe to say that your character gauge is more f*cked up than gary payton’s suits, a fact which permeantly bars you from my circle. Sorry</p>
<h2><strong> She’ll project</strong></h2>
<p>I’d be fighting a losing battle from day one. Each day would be test, a neverending gauntlet of inane inferences and hilarious hypotheticals with her at the end of the line, waiting for me with a jousting stick.</p>
<h2><strong> She’s a reformed ho</strong></h2>
<p>For whatever reason, there seems to be a strong correlation between reformed ho-dom and being habitually cheated on. I have absolutely no idea why this is true…but it <em>is</em> true</p>
<h2><strong> Wack sackiness</strong></h2>
<p>Ok…lets say number one isn’t true. lets say she is a great judge of character…but all of these high character guys still cheat on her. Hmmm. It doesn’t take a genius or a…</p>
<p><strong><em>…champ, a gem of the ocean, or a Killa K</em></strong> to figure out how this can possibly be.</p>
<p>Falks,…<strong>what are some other subtle relationship red flags?</strong> Behaviors or actions that might not seem like much on the surface, but tell a much deeper and more disturbing truth? My inquiring mind wants to know</p>
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